Love wins again

I felt the energy switch during the eclipse. As if Love overtook hate. As if the scales finally tipped back from bad to good. I know there is still much pain and hate in the world, but it feels like hope is returning. 

And then just after the eclipse, hurricane Harvey rages through Texas and we get to witness the outpouring of love and help to those in need. It's a beautiful thing. 

Now if only we could help people in other countries the way we help our own. If only we could understand that we can unite through our suffering, rather than avoid it. 

Suicide is not selfish

In the past week I have become close with two new friends and shared with them my mothers suicide. In both cases they responded with a comment about how suicide is "selfish". This infuriates me to the point that I get flustered and can't formulate the response I would like. So here is my delayed response: 

If you can say that suicide is selfish you've clearly never felt suicidal. One of the most prominent symptoms of severe depression is a feeling of deep worthlessness. It is this worthlessness that tells you that you are a burden, that the world would be better off without you. Depression is like living in a fog so thick you can't see the people around you or even your reflection in a mirror. People who are suicidal are often described by loved ones to have big, kind hearts, and their act of suicide is, in their minds, an act of relieving not only themselves of their pain, but also of their loved ones. These suicidal people are the ones that were usually completely unselfish for SO long that it wore them down and they caved. This final act of suicide is the last attempt in a long line of efforts at healing the pain that has eaten away at them for so long. This pain is heavier than their ability to cope with it, so it eventually wins. These people are not simply ignoring how their suicide will effect others or doing it deliberately to hurt others, they truly believe it is their only option left and they can't translate the love that is given to them by friends and family into a self-love. These are the people that give and give until they are empty, so let's please allow them this one act of "selfishness" without belittling the presumably hardest choice a person can make. Saying someone is selfish for committing suicide is an insult to their monumental suffering. It is assuming that they should have magically had more coping skills, or that they should have just tried harder or been stronger. So please, stop saying suicide is selfish, especially to those who've lost someone who spent their whole life trying to fight against its pull. 

My heart breaks

My heart breaks for the pain in our world right now. We are bombing so many countries, killing beautiful children. Our country is run by greedy, power hungry people. Our climate is rejecting us. We are losing our humanity through our phones, iPads, and other devices.

I am so scared for my children. I am so scared for our future. It seems that Americans are just digging ourselves deeper and deeper... we are not too big to fail, and I fear the day that we learn the reality of that truth. We have the strength to stand up and elect officials that will create true change, but many people are too focused on the fear. They can't see through the fog. They can't see the puppet masters behind all this madness. 

My heart breaks for every person suffering in this world. Especially those hurt by the actions of a government I am ashamed of. 

Trump, Hillary... what's the fucking difference? I'm sick of this reality show charade. 

Infinite love

Every single human on this planet has INFINITE love in their hearts. That means that if there were a way for you to meet and connect with every person on this earth you could love each and every one of them and STILL not run out of love. There's are 7.4 billion human hearts in this world, all capable of unimaginably beautiful, healing LOVE. Incredible! And love is a power like no other. It's opposition is fear, and although fear is an intense, powerful emotion, it is only an emotion. Love is more than emotion, it can heal in ways that no emotion can. Love can solve all this worlds problems IF (1) we learn to fully love ourselves, our emotions, our mistakes, and our own unique journeys through this life and (2) if we believe in the power of love and we trust that each one of has this infinite, powerful love within us. 

It breaks my heart that folks condemn unique and different things simply out of fear. There are 7.4 BILLION people on this planet, how absolutely boring would it if we were all the same?! The strength of the human race not only lies in our intelligence and ability to create love, but in our differences. No matter how well you know someone, you will never know their perspective, the depth of their soul. And it is each of our own unique perspectives that adds something special to this world. We advance in science, art, and so much more because of each persons unique perprective and journey through life that had led them to that perspective. Even the people that are consumed by fear have something to give this world: we can see pieces of ourselves in their reflection. If we look deep, we can see where love was consumed and replaced by fear. 

Just as much as we are different, we are the same. Every person on this planet knows fear, sadness, grief, shame, love, anger, guilt, and all the other emotions. Denying yourself or another person these feelings is denying your human nature. We are all designed to know these feelings because we are social creatures, and it is our feelings that cause us to work together and grow as a society. These emotions are nothing more than signals, flashing lights, guiding us through life. They always have something to show us, to help us grow. 

Many of us have spent our whole lives blocking out these emotions, out of the fear of their power. But the truth is that they don't have any power. You are so much more than your emotions, so much more than this life. If you want to heal and grow you MUST realize that your emotions cannot truly hurt you. They only strive to help you. You must accept the entirety of them, not push them away. Especially the painful ones, they have the most to teach us. The Buddha says that Life is Suffering, and he is right. Suffering is our inner pain, our emotions, and how we allow them to torment us. We only need to recognize this pain within us a tool to reach enlightenment and we will be free of it. 

Politics! Here's my schpeel:

You are wasting you vote if you vote for either Hillary or Trump. The presidential "race" has been decided and rigged since day 1. Trump is chosen as Hillary's opponent to say outlandish, sexist, obscene, racist things to fire up the liberals and scare them into voting for Hillary, not to mention distracting us from all kinds of horrible stuff the elite are sneaking by us. And Hillary is chosen to be the first women president so the real people in power can get away with even more horrible stuff, under the guise of equality. The actual people in power are behind the scenes, these two are just puppets. 

The only thing we can do is support an independent that we actually believe in. I did my research and will be voting for Jill Stein. Do I think she will actually win? Of course not. But I will vote her for because I refuse to vote for someone I don't believe in. And also because if enough people do the same, the Green Party and other independents will come out of this election bigger than ever before. So that maybe NEXT election time when the choice is again between a douche and turd sandwich, people will see that there actually IS a third option. It's about gaining headway against the two party system, a little more with each election. 

So Hillary will win, and probably do some horrible stuff, but we as American people will survive. We will stay strong and keep fighting for what is right. It's never futile to fight for love and equality, because love will win in the end, even if it takes a while. 

Stick to what's important to you, whatever that is. Never settle.

Love from loss

So it's been a little over a month since my mom committed suicide on Mother's Day and this is what I've learned: 

- get to know your parents. Ask them about how they fell in love, funny stories of their youth, anything. You never know when they will be gone and you'll wish you knew the person they were before becoming a parent. Trust me. 

- sometimes people do THEIR very best and quite often it's not THE best. Most people are trying their hardest to be happy and not hurt others along the way, but sometimes we make mistakes, HUGE mistakes. Love is not only forgiving the mistakes of the past, but also forgiving the mistakes that someone will inevitably make in the future. 

- no matter how bad things get and how hurt you are, there is always a way to forgive. Even when it seems impossible. 

- sometimes we don't know the value of a life, or of a relationship, until it's too late. And that's OK. 

-emotions are just signals. Fear is saying "watch out!" while anger is saying "I am hurt!". Guilt says "I'm so sorry" and shame says " I want to be better". Don't let the emotions consume you. Once they have done their job to alert you of a danger (real or imaginary) it's up to you to let them go. If you don't, they WILL consume you, even if you don't realize it. 

- We are infinite. Our capacity to love, and to forgive, is infinite. Our capacity to feel pain (emotional and physical) is infinite. You are stronger than you can fathom. 

- We will never be able to grasp the sorrow of another person. We can't understand the little intricate details and events that make others who they are. We cannot say that their mistakes are greater than ours because we cannot say that their pain is greater than ours. Even the people who kill and rape are worthy of forgiveness. No mistake is too big because we as humans are bigger. So so much bigger.

A Beginning

Despite all the pain in the world, I will always believe there are no bad people. Our souls and minds are truly infinite... How can we be bad? We are so much bigger than labels of good or bad. If we could only recognize how valuable each one of us is to the universe we would no longer be in pain. Realizing our worth is the ultimate goal because once we do that, everything else just falls into line. It is the struggles of the body that cause us to do bad things. Learning not to fear our emotions is truly a matter of life and death. In this country we think so lightly of mental health. We don't allow ourselves time to rest, we don't allow "mistakes". We can't understand the difference between perfectionism and striving for better. So we get caught up and overwhelmed by our emotions. We don't bother to understand them, to feel them... we just want them to go away. So they get pushed down further and further until we can't find them unless we are ready to look. Ready to face the fear. But if we truly want to free ourselves from the anxiety and depression sweeping the nation we need to be brave enough to set aside our distractions and just sit with nature and listen. The answers are within you. But first you must trust your thoughts, as they are not your enemy, and you must know that even though your feelings hurt so deeply, they cannot hurt YOU.
I think it's extremely important to empathize with those who hurt us the most. When something terrible comes up in the news I see people fixate on it, because they are angry and afraid. They are angry that others have been hurt, because they know how that must feel. And they fear that those horrible things could happen to the ones they love. But the reality is that if you are doing all you an to protect your family, then fear is doing nothing but torturing you. Fear is a sneaky little guy. He makes you think that you NEED him, because without him the bad things will happen. But we need to fully understand that fear is not always protecting us. Fear makes us aware of a threat, but once we become aware of it it no longer serves a purpose. And anger, well Anger is a hungry little guy, he consumes everything around him... He makes punish those that hurt you, he makes you feel like you need him to balance the injustice. But the reality is that anger is just a signal telling you that you are hurt, and once you are aware of the hurt, anger no longer serves a purpose. When we hold onto these feelings they only hurt us, EVERY TIME. So it is important to find forgiveness in our hearts for the Brock Turners and mass murderers of the world, because no matter how angry we get and how much we punish them they will always need to find true remorse on their own. And maybe it will take 50 years and we won't get to see that remorse, or maybe it won't even happen in this lifetime, but it will happen. We need to forgive them in our hearts for US. These people in the recent news who have hurt others have done so out of ignorance and pain. They truly didn't know any better, and they couldn't see through their rage or lust or whatever emotion that consumed them. Their emotions were SO suppressed that they don't know the difference between love and fear. They can't see what you and I so clearly see wrong, at least not yet. So give them their jail time (however lax) and forgive them in your heart, because they are just humans like you and me, who've known a pain you and I truly can't grasp. Forgiving someone isn't "letting them off the hook", I promise that either their guilt will consume them and be the eventual cause of their death (and they get to try again in the next life!) or they will find true remorse in this life. My heart hurts for all the murderers and rapists and molesters just as much as the victims, because they are all in pain, and I cannot judge the depth of someone else's pain. I can only work hard to help my fellow man grow and learn so that more people can find their true worth before it becomes too late for them. And this is why I've started this blog. Welcome ❤️💛💚